The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
