some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
