i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
