I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
