the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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