dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
