What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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