I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
