Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
