Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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