Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize