I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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