So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
