It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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