My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Randomize
