The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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