she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
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He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
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I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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