Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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