Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
