On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
