Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
