I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
