I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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