You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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