i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Randomize
