is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
