Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
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Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
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It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
My life is pants optional.
I currently don't understand fingers.
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