he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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