Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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