i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
