I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
