My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
