I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
