I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
