That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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