Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
