exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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