I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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