she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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