Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
