Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Randomize
