You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
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