What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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