I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
