I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
