i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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