it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
