I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Randomize
