3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Randomize
