I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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