Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
