Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
a search helicopter?!
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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