I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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