Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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