They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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