bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
