we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Randomize
