if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
